Is It Wrong to NOT Co-Sleep with Your Baby? An Indian Mom’s/Sleep Expert’s Perspective

Let’s Talk About Guilt, Sleep, and What’s Right for Your Family

“Your baby sleeps in their own crib? Poor thing.”

“Sleep training? Isn’t that cruel?”

“Co-sleeping is how Indian families show love.”

If you’ve ever heard comments like this or wrestled with these thoughts yourselfyou’re not alone.

As a sleep consultant working with Indian families across Singapore, India, and beyond, I’ve seen how deeply emotional this topic can be.

For some, co-sleeping is cultural, comforting, and works beautifully.

For others, it leads to months (or years) of broken sleep, anxiety, and resentment yet the guilt of doing something different keeps them stuck.

So let me say this clearly:

You are not wrong for co-sleeping.

You are not wrong for not co-sleeping.

You are allowed to do what works best for your baby and for you.

Let’s walk through what research actually says so you can make a choice that supports your child’s development and your family’s sleep.

What Is Co-Sleeping vs Independent Sleep?

Let’s define the terms:

• Co-sleeping – includes bed-sharing (same bed) and room-sharing (same room, separate surface)
  
  
• Independent sleep – baby sleeps in their own crib, often in their own room
  
  

In many Indian homes, bed-sharing is the default.

It’s what we grew up with. It feels warm. It feels natural.

But in modern parenting, especially when moms are juggling work, mental load, and sleep deprivation, many families ask:

Can we sleep separately and still raise a secure, happy child?

The answer is: Yes. And here’s the research to prove it.

Does Sleeping Separately Harm Attachment?

Not at all.

Attachment is built through responsiveness, warmth, and emotional availability not through sleeping location.

In fact, a large Dutch study found that infants who never bed-shared in the early months were more likely to develop insecure attachments at 14 months compared to those who co-slept occasionally (Mileva-Seitz et al., 2016).

But And this is key occasional co-sleeping was enough. Daily bed-sharing wasn’t necessary.

Other studies (like Bilgin & Wolke, 2022) found no difference at all in attachment security based on sleep arrangement.

👉 What this means:

You don’t need to bed-share to raise a securely attached child.

You just need to show up with love, consistency, and care during the day. That matters more than where they sleep at night.

Does Co-Sleeping Reduce Stress or Improve Development?

Some research shows that co-sleeping babies may have lower cortisol spikes (the stress hormone) during separations or new experiences (Beijers et al., 2013).

That’s because proximity to a caregiver is calming in the early months.

But guess what?

Babies who sleep independently with responsive parents also develop healthy stress regulation over time.

In fact, some studies show that when infants sleep in their own room and are comforted when needed, they develop better overnight cortisol rhythms (Philbrook & Teti, 2016).

And long-term? There’s no difference in cognitive development, learning ability, or emotional maturity between co-sleepers and crib-sleepers (Okami et al., 2002).

You’re not harming your child’s development by helping them sleep independently.

What About Sleep Itself?

This is where the difference is clear:

Co-sleeping (especially bed-sharing) is linked to:

• More frequent night wakings
  
  
• Shorter, lighter sleep stretches
  
  
• Babies needing your presence to fall back asleep (Hysing et al., 2014)
  
  

Independent sleep (especially when supported with gentle sleep training) is linked to:

• Longer, more consolidated sleep
  
  
• Fewer overnight awakenings
  
  
• Development of self-soothing skills (Mindell et al., 2006)
  
  

And this matters for you, too.

Because in many families I work with, the baby is not the only one sleep-deprived mom is struggling silently.

She’s exhausted, foggy, and just trying to hold it together.

That’s where sleep training becomes part of this conversation.

Is Sleep Training Harmful?

Let’s bust this myth:

Sleep training is not “abandonment.”

When done right, sleep training:

• Is developmentally appropriate
  
  
• Includes night feeds when needed
  
  
• Uses gentle methods with check-ins and comfort
  
  
• Builds emotional safety, not breaks it
  
  

Multiple studies have shown that babies who are sleep trained:

• Have lower stress levels over time
  
  
• Show no negative impact on attachment
  
  
• Sleep better and settle more easily during the day (Gradisar et al., 2016; Hiscock et al., 2008, 2012)
  
  

Sleep training isn’t about ignoring your baby it's about helping them learn to sleep with your support and structure.

And if you’re doing it in a loving home, with attuned parenting during the day, you are not causing harm. You’re creating rest for everyone.

My Story

I sleep trained my daughter at 6 months. Before that, we co-slept and I was up every hour, patting, nursing, holding.

I loved the cuddles, but I was a shell of myself.

Once we transitioned her to her crib and taught her to fall asleep on her own, everything changed.

We were both sleeping. I was more present. More patient. More me.

Today, we’re incredibly close. And she sleeps beautifully on her own.

That’s not detachment.

That’s connection with boundaries that support rest.

So… Should You Co-Sleep or Sleep Train?

Here’s my honest answer:

Do what helps your family sleep and thrive.

Co-sleeping is not bad.

Independent sleep is not cold.

You are allowed to change course if what you’re doing now isn’t working.

If you choose to co-sleep, do it safely.

If you choose to sleep train, do it lovingly.

And if anyone makes you feel guilty for choosing rest, structure, or changeremember:

They’re not the ones waking up 6 times a night. You are.

The Bottom Line?

Sleep doesn’t have to come with guilt.

You’re not failing your baby by helping them sleep better.

You’re supporting their growth, your sanity, and your bond.

You are not alone and you are not wrong.

Want to Start Sleep Training?

Click below to explore my 1:1 infant sleep training program,designed to fit your baby’s age, needs, and your parenting approach.

👉 Explore My Sleep Training Programs

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References 

Beijers, R., Jansen, J., Riksen-Walraven, M., & de Weerth, C. (2013). Attachment and cortisol reactivity: The importance of sleep in infant development. Developmental Psychobiology, 55(5), 498–508. https://doi.org/10.1002/dev.21053

Bilgin, A., & Wolke, D. (2022). Associations between bed-sharing and mother-infant bonding: Findings from the Avon Longitudinal Study. Infant Behavior and Development, 66, 101657. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2021.101657

Gradisar, M., Jackson, K., Spurrier, N. J., Gibson, J., Williams, A. S., & Kennaway, D. J. (2016). Behavioral interventions for infant sleep problems: A randomized controlled trial. Pediatrics, 137(6), e20151486. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2015-1486

Hiscock, H., Bayer, J. K., Price, A., Ukoumunne, O. C., & Wake, M. (2008). Improving infant sleep and maternal mental health: A cluster randomized trial. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 93(10), 951–955. https://doi.org/10.1136/adc.2007.126292

Hiscock, H., et al. (2012). Five-year follow-up of behavioral infant sleep intervention: Randomized trial. Pediatrics, 130(4), 643–651. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2011-3467

Hysing, M., Harvey, A. G., Torgersen, L., Ystrom, E., & Sivertsen, B. (2014). Trajectories and predictors of nocturnal awakenings and sleep duration in infants. JAMA Pediatrics, 168(5), 419–425. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2013.4919

Mileva-Seitz, V. R., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Battaini, C., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2016). Parent–child bed-sharing: The good, the bad, and the burden of evidence. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 30, 11–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2015.11.003

Mindell, J. A., Kuhn, B., Lewin, D. S., Meltzer, L. J., & Sadeh, A. (2006). Behavioral treatment of bedtime problems and night wakings in infants and young children. Sleep, 29(10), 1263–1276. https://doi.org/10.1093/sleep/29.10.1263

Philbrook, L. E., & Teti, D. M. (2016). Bidirectional associations between bedtime parenting and infant sleep: Parenting quality, parenting practices, and their interaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 431–441. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000164

Okami, P., Weisner, T. S., & Olmstead, R. (2002). Outcome correlates of parent–child bedsharing: An eighteen-year longitudinal study. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 23(4), 244–253. https://doi.org/10.1097/00004703-200208000-00005